Parents to Avoid
by Beanus
Summary: Sans has a friendly chat with Helen at the PTA meeting. Based off a prompt from tumblr, contains swearing.


If one made a list of possible good parents, Sans would normally not be on it. Lazy and unmotivated, you wouldn't be wrong if you said that Toriel, Asgore or even Papyrus would easily wipe the floor with him.

So why was he at a PTA meeting with people he didn't like? Ironically, Toriel had introduced him as she was sick at the time of the first meeting. While Sans was initially unwilling to go, his obligation to help a friend out overpowered his apprehension and he agreed, heading out to Frisk's middle school.

This was currently his fifth meeting. All previous four had Sans politely declining Toriel's requests to go.

"Hellooooo, everyone!" Helen's voice was sickly sweet, dripping with condescension. The head of the PTA wasted no time in bringing out a large tub of lemon squares, causing everyone to look away and subtly cringe. Sans' lazy grin remained, if not growing larger.

"helen, hon, i think we both know that those lemon squares are complete trash, so why don't we take 'em off the table and let the hostages go?"

Helen heatedly sighed and turned towards Sans, not even bothering to smile at him. Slapping the tray down onto the table, she grimaced at his purely shit-eating grin.

"At least they aren't those _disgusting_ pastries baked by that spider. Gosh, why do they even allow a monster to bake something made out of spiders, let alone bake at all?"

"oh, i dunno," Sans' eye flared up for a second. "maybe because it's actually edible? i think we all know that only your kid jimmy eats those travesties. after you bring the entire tray back home, of course."

"N-Now everyone," a man called out. "We came here to discuss a certain issue that has been 'terrorizing the children', right? W-We should, you know, get on that! Haha..."

Helen's twisted smile caused Sans to eye her suspiciously.

"Oh, _yes_! Thank you, Mr. Sagioto! The topic for today's discussion will be your child, Frisk, and their disruptive behavior."

Sans froze, and his smile drooped down into a very unhappy frown.

"you don't deserve to say that name, helen, so why don't you just sit down and we can begin out chat... _neutrally._ "

Helen sat down, smug smile refusing to fall from pressure. "Well then...I'd like to call attention to the fact that your child is affecting the productivity of the rest of their class. They refuse to speak when called upon and do these weird hand movements, and several parents have come before me saying that it's absolutely abhorrent and should be stopped."

 _...what the hell is she sayin' about frisk?_

"if you were smart, _**helen**_ , you'd realize that the 'hand movements' was sign language. you're basically telling me that you're gagging frisk because you're too stupid to realize that frisk doesn't feel comfortable talking."

"Of course you _monsters_ would enable this despicable behavior." Helen sneered, crossing her arms. "You don't know anything about how a _real_ adult carries themselves. You're raising that child to be a freak, Sans, a freak that'll have absolutely no idea how to deal with the adult world."

Sans' grin reappeared, full of bloodlust. "so you're calling my child a freak, **huh?** oh, ok helen, i guess we're not getting into the fact that jimmy _picks his nose and eats whatever trash comes out of it in the middle of class_ , right? that's an obvious health hazard, because that kid touches everything and everyone else with his snot-and-drool covered fingers. can't really blame him though, if his mother was a respectable cook, then _**maaaaaaybe**_ he wouldn't have to dig for booty."

"How **dare** you say that about my child!" Helen shouted, getting right up into Sans' face. Sans levitated out his chair and magically threw it back to the wall, matching her fierce glare with a wide smile and a brightly glowing eye.

"you wanna talk shit about frisk, helen, it's free game. fight me, nerd."

"Is that a threat?!"

"wouldn't be the first time that things just flew over your head, helen. example one being **your marriage.** "

Helen gaped like a dead fish before her entire face turned beet red with rage.

"I guess I shouldn't bring up show and tell, then? When your idiot brother came in to hand out samples of his awful spaghetti to the class? That blackened mess was barely _food!_ "

"hey, at least he _tried_ to do something," Sans gritted out, "jimmy probably never accomplished anything in his short, sad life. stuffed his face full of popato chisps and watched you do it all for him. my kid liberated an entire civilization of magical beings from centuries of imprisonment and you have the **audacity** to gag them under the whole 'one for many' guise?"

"And let's just be reminded that Frisk only accomplished what they did because all you monsters were trying to _kill_ them. I wonder why no one has brought that to light, hmm? The kind-hearted Sans by day, a child murderer and sinner by night!"

Sans slammed his hands on the table, eye flaring up.

 **"fight me, helen!"**

"I-I think we should leave!" The other parents quickly nodded in agreement and hurried out as the opening chords of a song Sans dubbed 'Megalovania' kicked in.

* * *

 **A/N:** Have a PTA Sans drabble before I go collapse into my bed. I love that AU or whatever so much it hurts.


End file.
